12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
