just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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