a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
