i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
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The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
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I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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