i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
