thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He shit in the fireplace
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
