I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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