Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
