So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
