Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
