I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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