3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
