why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
