i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
