Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
