and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
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My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
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I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party