we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
