i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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