my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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