Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
