I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
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One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
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We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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