its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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