I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
