Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Randomize
