Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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