Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
