Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
