The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
