I wish my penis had an off switch
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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