Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Sext me about skeletons
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
