i permit you to call me
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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