im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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