if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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