drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
