I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
