There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
