Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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