The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
