I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
When are your genitals available?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
