two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
