he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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