I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
