I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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