Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Randomize
