can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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