God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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