I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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