Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
there is glitter all over my balls
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
