I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
