We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
