i don't like sucking hair
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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