On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
