Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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