You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
