I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
