I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
